It has been quite a while since my last post. I have been trying to stay pretty busy but also can blame my ADHD on my lack of consistency. I have written some but some things I thought I might not want to share.
The biggest developments/ achievements have been that I finally found a good primary care doctor. Just from my first appointment/checkup we found, after two trips to lap corps, that I have hypothyroidism. This was kind of a relief even though I hate having to take a pill every day. But it just confirmed that I wasn't crazy for having terrible mood swings, feeling tired, having a terrible memory (mom brain ) etc.
My mom also has this condition and was diagnosed as a teenager. This means that my thyroid isn't producing enough of the hormones that my body needs to function effectively. We wanted to have the bloodwork done because I mentioned that I had seen a psychiatrist that had recommended Wellbutrin for acute depression and ADHD. I hadn't started taking it because I am still nursing and there were some studies that had negative effects on the baby. From what I have learned, hypothyroidism can also cause mood swings, and fatigue. I was prescribed Levothyroxine for 8 weeks and I will be going back on October 1st to have my blood work done again to check my hormone levels.
My primary care doctor also referred me to Florida Therapy for grief counseling. I actually found a counselor that was closer and covered under hubs insurance. My second appointment is on Monday. This first appointment was mostly intake questions/background but I really liked the therapist and actually had to bring Emerson with me (since Jamey was out of town) and she was totally okay with that.
Overall I feel like I have good and bad days. I am trying to track them on my calendar on my phone but I forget most days (LOL great memory!) Sometimes I wonder if I am more bipolar .....Like I have days where I just want to cry and stay in bed and other days where I feel invincible like I can literally take on the world. My therapist asked me to list out some personal goals that I would like to achieve in counseling. I immediately thought about patience and positivity. For some crazy reason, I always feel a sense of being 'rushed' like if its (any task) is not done immediately, I have failed. It's why I lose my patience with Rudy and even Emerson sometimes. Then I think I judge situations too harshly. I thought more about this and wondered- am I showing conditional love? I sadly think I do. I only am positive and happy when things work out a certain way- if it doesn't go a certain way- I get upset, angry or disappointed. I worry that i transfer all this anxiety on to my kids. So those are my major goals. For now.
Sometimes I can find a way to just laugh when things go awry - Like tonight when I was trying to get Rudy out of the house for tae kwon do, on time, with his gear bag. I succeeded - but as I was driving down the road, Rudy informs me that he only had one shoe on- Hence the one shoe wonder! We just laughed and I tried to take the moment to tell him how it important it is for him to put away his things and that all his things have a place. His shoes should go in his toy box when he takes them off so he can find them. Now earlier this week, I didn't handle the situation very well. Rudy, Em and I were in Target shopping. Em was tired and I was trying to nurse her, while shopping AND pushing the cart. Rudy REALLY wanted to go look at the Halloween decorations and normally I would like to as well but considering Emerson was almost asleep and getting very heavy to hold WHILE pushing the cart, I told him no we need to finish shopping and get going. Well at that point, he just decided to wander off and go look by himself. I honestly didn't notice until several minutes had passed and I figured out what he had done. So I went to the Halloween section- he wasn't there. Then I started down the main aisle by the food and thank goodness caught sight of him with a red face (like he was very upset and had cried) . I was SO relieved to find him so quickly and I could tell he was relieved to find me. I asked him where he went - which I'm not sure I should have. I always second guess all my decisions after the fact. I knew where he went and him getting scared that he couldn't find me seems like it would be consequence enough but I went on to lecture him about listening and staying with me. But I also told him he scared me because I couldn't find him. It was upsetting but I feel like I should look at it like a positive learning opportunity?
So I am trying to be more positive and trying to be patient. :)
