Mason's 19th Birthday in Heaven

My oldest son Mason would be turning 19 today.   I have been dreading this day because I know it will open the huge gaping wound in my heart.  Last year I was able to distract myself from the pain by flying up to Kentucky to spend Mason's birthday with my daughter and brother.  It really helped and was even a happy memory for me.  We had our sweatshirts printed with Mason's picture.  And we had food and cake at my brother's house.  This year I wanted to fly my daughter down here to Florida but because of the COVID virus and fear of flying, we just couldnt make it happen.  So today I am just feeling the fresh pain and left feeling like I don't know what to do.

I actually woke up at 3:00 am with stomach pains and had trouble sleeping.  I am not sure if I had any dreams because I do not remember them well.  

I had planned on trying to arrange a visit with a psychic today- since it is one thing I have not tried since he passed.  There is a local psychic but everytime I call I get a busy signal.  I may try to drive by there after I walk the dog, go for a run and Em , my youngest, takes a nap.  

Even though it has been two years since I lost my son, it is not any easier facing the reality of it.  In fact, it is getting harder and harder to deny that he is gone.  My denial is my primary coping mechanism.  But now with all the craziness that is going on in the world with the pandemic and the racial violence and tragedies, it has been a trigger for the grief and anguish that I try to push as far away as possible so I can function as a mother, wife and living person.  When I watch the George Floyd video, of the police officer kneeling on his neck until he suffocated and died, I was overcome with anger and grief all over again.  I immediately thought of Mason and still do everytime I hear or see the words "I can't breathe.'  George Floyd also called for his 'mama' and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to hear.  There is no video showing what my son went through when he took his last breath.  I will never know if he called out for me, or struggled to try to save himself or if he suffered.  Or if he prayed for someone to save him.  The thoughts are unbearable and even typing them makes me want to throw up and scream and cry.   I feel guilty for comparing the two tragedies.  There is no comparison because George Floyd did not have a choice.  He had his life taken.  And even though I do not think my son intended to kill himself, he made a choice and that choice robbed him of his life.  I only say that this violence has been a horrible trigger.  And I think it has triggered a lot of people.  I think everyone is in mourning over the precious loss of life that our country has witnessed.  My hope and my prayer is that people can wake up every morning and make a promise.  The promise we all need to make is to do no harm- no harm to ourselves and no harm to others.  If we can vow to do that in morning and then remember it throughout the day when we are faced with a choice.  Use that promise to decide how to act.  If you are going to post something- ask will is possibly harm someone?  If the answer is yes- then do not do it.  It has changed my life is so many ways- I don't do the insensitive things I used to regret when I remember that promise.  If we can all remember that promise, we can change the world. 

https://youtu.be/XI8pTns_Zwo

COVID 19 Testing- April 2020 in Florida

I just wanted to write a post about our experience with this COVID virus because I feel like so many states and cities are experiencing it differently.  Before this all started back in February, my 9 year old son Rudy was sent home from school with a slight fever.  It was nothing major but he seemed very tired and had a sore throat.  I think a lot of people are now looking back and realizing that they had gotten sick sometime between January and February and wondering if it was the corona virus!

Well my son seemed to get better and I ended up catching it.  I remember so many nights where my throat felt raw and I could not stop coughing.  I never really got the fever but the cough, sore throat and fatigue were fairly bad.

I am still caring for and nursing my 15 month old daughter, and despite her being so close to me ALL the time, she didn't seem to get sick at all.  I was really relieved.  Then the warnings and closures started happening.  Here in Florida we were later to game with the lock downs.  Our beaches were open for Spring Break.  However, his school informed us that the whole school district would be closing another week after Spring Break in order to minimize exposure.  That week turned into a month - and now probably the rest of the school year.  The beaches ended up closing-  (i think due to some crazy spring break kids being crazy on the news and causing an outrage.)

Well - around the last week March, my daughter started showing symptoms.  At this time we were still going to the store and life was kind of as it was besides schools being closed.  Being a stay at home mom can be pretty isolating anyway since I am home with the kids by myself most days anyway.  Well my youngest seemed miserable and on top of having a slight fever, she was whiny, clingy and wanted to nurse 24/7.   So I made her an appointment with her pediatrician and we went.  Her doctor tested her for flu and strep and both came back negative.  The doctor said her ears looked clear and her lungs sounded good but her throat looked very red and inflamed.  She prescribed her amoxicillin and wanted to treat it as strep throat even though the test was negative.  I didn;t mention the corona virus testing because I was a little worried about causing a panic.    So she had to take the pink liquid 2 times a day for 10 days.  She seemed to get a little better but the sore throat turned into a cough and at the end of the 10 days, her fever came back.
By this time, the Doctor's office was limiting their hours and we were able to make an appointment but we had to wait out in the car to be called in.   Everyone was wearing masks and I was worried about Emerson toughing ANYTHING (in case she might have it or get it from something)  This time I was definitely asking about Covid testing.  She was negative AGAIn for flu and strep.   We were seeing a different doctor.  She said that Emerson had a croup cough and wanted to give her a steroid.  and give her a stronger antibiotic.s  She said the cough sounded like her throat Was inflamed near the top but her lungs still sounded good- and there was no fluid in the bottom of her lungs.   So I asked about the possibility it could be COVID-19.  She said that she did not think so because her fever was not as high (it was only 100) and the cough sounded clear (no fluid in lungs)  .  But if I wanted to get her tested, I would have to call the Health Department.

So we left and I called the Health Department.  We had to go through a lot of screening questions.  The final determination was that because she was so young, we would have to take her the Pediatric ER at Gulf Coast Regional Hospital to be tested.  We did not want to risk that because we figured that would surely expose her to something if she ended up not having it.

I really questioned this decision a lot because I TRULY wanted to know.  It would answer so many questions and determine a lot of our actions like being even more cautious than we already were- having her wear a mask and NOT being around neighbors/ others.

Financially, my husband who has been our primary bread winner since my daughter was born, has had his projects cut and put on hold, meaning that our family does not have the same income coming in as we had before.  This has put us into a very stressful situation and we have been so worried about what we were going to do.  It caused a lot of contention in our relationship as well because he kept asking me to find a job.  As a teacher during a nationwide school closure, I was angry that I even had to explain to him why that was not going to happen.  I did apply to virtual schools but was not selected for the postitions.  I feel like I am ready to go back to work if I need to but I think it's a little unrealistic to think I will be able to find a job during global pandemic and economic shut down!
Finally after some meetings, my husband was told he should go get tested for COVID 19.  I have heard on the news that they thought people could start returning to work if they were able to show they had the COVID antibodies - showing they had had the virus and recovered from it.
My husband asked me to call and see how and if he could get tested while he took calls and worked on his laptop.

First I called the Health Department.  This time I was asked some screening questions:
Name
DOB
Adress
Husband's age?
Is he a first responder?
Does he have an pre existing conditions?
Has he been exposed to anyone who tested positive?
Does he have symptoms?
Based on the answers she said she not think he could tested there.  She was going to check and call me back but in the mean time she gave me the number to another company called Pancare FL to call.
I called this number and was directed to a COVID receptionist.  She asked similar screening questions and at first told me that he could not be tested if he did not have a fever.  At that point- I got pretty insistent that we were certain my daughter had it ( since she had ALL symptoms and tested negative for flu and strep)  so finally she consented and gave us a patient number and took our insurance information.

My husband had an hour to go to the Bay County Fairgrounds to get tested.  I did not go with him and he didn't take video (like I asked him LOL) When he came back he said that he had to wait in the car.  First he was given the strep and flu tests.  When those were negative he spoke to a doctor and was given the COVID test.  He said that the swab in the throat was VERY unpleasant, triggered his gag reflex but was not exactly painful.
He was told he would receive his results in a few days.  SO now we are anxiously awaiting his results and are wondering what they will be.
We are hoping it is positive so we know he is over it (that we all had it ) and then his work might allow him to return to his meetings/projects.

Our Easter In Quarantine

It is the Monday after Easter that I am writing this post and as I look back on the weekend and our Easter I can’t help but think How strange it was because of our lockdown due to this coronavirus. Honestly I’ve had to get used to not seeing friends and family a lot because they all live in different states and have for many years.  This pandemic has also put a hold on us trying to sell our condo and move my mom down to Florida with us which has been devastating.

Easter 2019

So despite the quarantine and pandemic we probably would have celebrated Easter by ourselves at home anyway but I would have definitely taken the kids to church.
Last year we celebrated Easter by taking the kids down to a local restaurant on the beach called Schooners to eat brunch and participate in an Easter egg hunt on the beach! I remember it was a little bit chilly that day and Emerson was only four months old so she really didn’t get to participate. This year however she is 15 months old and I know she would’ve had a blast going on an egg hunt.

Easter at the Beach 2019

Easter is more about our faith and celebrating the resurrection of Jesus than - a bunny and candy but that is the part that gets them so excited so we always try to make sure they have a basket on Easter morning.  I am a little surprised my 9 year old son still believes in the Easter Bunny.  He is high functioning autistic so I kind of attribute it to that.  I love that he still believes in Santa, the Elf on the Shelf and the Easter bunny (probably more because he watches FGTV videos on youtube about it being real)  So since churches are closed we watched the Joel Osteen live Easter service on YouTube which was really nice to have a little time to reflect on the real reason we celebrate and to also pray for those who are working/caring for people during this time and those suffering loss of loved ones because of this COVID 19.

After that I got Emerson dressed in a pretty Easter dress and despite having a strong wind advisory. I took the kids outside and we had fun hiding eggs together. Rudy watched his favorite YouTube channel FG TV the episode where they celebrated Easter.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run but around 11 o’clock it was Emerson’s naptime and taking her for a jog is one of the easiest way to get her to go to sleep. It wasn’t that fun pushing the jogging stroller in the gale force winds but I’m glad that I got out and squeezed in 3 miles. I never regret getting to go for a run.  If the winds weren’t so strong we probably would’ve taken the boat out .  Hubs was planning on it but it definitely would not have been any fun with high seas and such strong wind. So the rest of the day we didn’t do much.  We didn’t even cook dinner because our neighbor was so nice and made lasagna for everyone.  So we had lasagna and leftover garlic knots and caprese salad.  I try not to feel too guilty eating so many carbs! I have been able to stay pretty close to my goal weight of 115 pounds. The last time I weighed myself and it was 117.

The main thing I’m focusing on now with my diet is trying to drink a lot of water like yesterday I drank an entire gallon and at the end of the night it really helped me feel full and not hungry. And I’m also trying to focus on not eating desserts sugar and candy. So last night I made my homemade fruit leather which definitely satisfies my sweet tooth reminds me of a fruit roll-up and keeps me from eating gushers! I also found out (thanks to tik tok) that if you put lime juice on green grapes- they taste like SOUR PATCH kids!

I’m pretty bummed out that my youngest daughter is now starting to get picky about food and definitely prefers pizza over her zucchini green beans and spinach baby food. She still loves fruits and will eat a lot of apples even though I have to cut them into tiny pieces because I don’t want her to choke she had a little choking episode and it scared me to death! She has all of almost all of her teeth so I don’t get why she gets these choking things except for maybe she tries to eat too much at one time now that she’s feeding herself. So I can’t go to the grocery store with the kids which is made it really hard to keep stocked up with healthy foods.  Lately my husband has been going to the store or I can sneak away during her nap. I plan on trying to get some edamame which she seem to like and maybe trying to make her some smoothies with spinach.  My son really needs to eat more vegetables too.  Right now the only vegetable he  will eat is carrots.  Emerson absolutely loves corn but I want them to have green vegetables.

 I think overall I’m just feeling like everyone else ;  I am ready to be done with this pandemic quarantine so that we can try to get back to a normal life whatever that maybe but I am also very grateful that we are safe and healthy.

WDW Marathon 2020

 
This is a recap of my first experience running the Walt Disney world Marathon on Sunday, January 12, 2020.  Even though my training hasn’t been as consistent as I would like, I was excited and felt prepared for race day!
 I just ran a marathon in my hometown of Panama City Beach Florida on December 7 and had a great running experience.  I was very excited about getting to run the Disney Marathon and tried to prepare myself and work out a plan for race day. I’ve heard and read that visualizing the entire day and weekend really helps you prepare your mind mentally for the day of the race. So I listened to podcasts and I read other people‘s blogs to find out as much as I could. Apparently Disney changes the course quite often and does not release the map until close to the time of the race. I downloaded and printed  the map and try to take notes and visualize each mile of the race  before hand but during the race,  I still found myself unsure about where I was heading to during certain parts.

The first part of the race, the bib pick up, proved to be a bit stressful.  You are only allowed to pick up your bib during the expo which closed at 3:30 pm on Saturday AND NO ONE CAN PICK UP YOUR BIB FOR YOU .
My husband had a board meeting that day which meant that I would have to drive down to Orlando myself with both of our young children which can be a marathon in itself.  I did find out that you can get an emergency race bib on the morning of the race but that lines for that are very long and knowing now what would have happened- I would have been out of luck !!!
So I am so glad I decide to drive down on Saturday rather than wait .  Luckily the drive went really well and both kids behaved themselves although my one-year-old had a few meltdowns that caused us to stop.
Even with getting up at 5 am and leaving the house at 7 AM on Saturday we were able to make it down to the expo at 2 PM Eastern time which gave me only an hour and a half . This is plenty of time to pick up my packet but I was worried about making it before they closed and felt rushed throughout the whole process . I started to get the feeling that Disney is really pushing people to do the entire marathon weekend including the dopey challenge.  The marathon seemed like a less important event.  I had been placed in the last corral- H?  So I went to guest services to find out what I could do.  They were very efficient and helpful.  I showed them my most recent marathon time on my phone and the woman allowed me to be switched to corral B by placing a sticker on my bib.  I was so relieved!

  We still had fun at the expo and I managed to score a pair of Balega anti-blister socks( for $15)  that I wore during the race. The expo and all of the volunteers and people working there were great. Awesome Disney and cool  running merchandise was abundant  but I was on a budget so I couldn’t go crazy. I’m sad that I didn’t have the time to try on some of  the shoes that I’m really interested in like the Nike next percent or the on shoes. The Nike Next percent were $250!!!  But I saw SO MANY runners during the marathon running in them that I have made it a goal to try to save up AND GET A PAIR!!

After the expo the kids and I went and checked in at our hotel. we were staying at the Doubletree near sea world which was only 15 minutes from Disney. My husband honestly does not enjoy going to Disney and is not a big fan so he was not planning on going to the parks or taking the kids. I thought I would be okay with that but honestly it proved to be a major mental bummer for me as I got closer to the finish! 

Once I got everything into the hotel, I set out my clothes and tried to get everything as prepared as possible because I knew that Disney were recommended that I would need to get to the race at 3:30 AM which meant I was setting my alarm for 2 AM!!! 
While  this seemed pretty crazy to me I tried to stay positive and tell myself that it would be good to get up that early because it was getting very hot outside anyway and it would also give me plenty of time to prepare myself before the race. 

So I got the kids pizza and dinner at the hotel and then at around 7 PM we got in our jammies and the kids and I went to bed. I can’t say that I got much sleep but the rest was good. My Garmin watch says that I got about four hours of actual 😴 which is not good considering I usually get around eight hours a night. 

I actually woke up several times but finally when I saw my watch say it was 130 I decided to go ahead and wake up anyway since 20 to 30 minutes of sleep it’s really not going to benefit me much. 

So I took a quick shower got dressed- I have to say that I am pretty proud of myself and pleased with my decision for my hair that day. I had decided to dress up as princess Leia so I parted my hair in half the night before I braided it and then I used a ton of bobby pins to pin the braids into two side buns.  This worked out awesome during the race especially as I ran by some women midway through the race whose hair had turned into tangled  dreads- which has happened to me a lot during long runs.  I know it seems like a simple thing but after the race and your shower and you’re coming out knots for 20 to 30 minutes it becomes a big deal! 

I use the app to call for my Uber at 3 AM so that my husband wouldn’t have to wake up the kids and take me there at such an insane hour.  The Uber driver puts in Epcot parking lot and we get to where gps told us with 15 minutes but it was the cast parking lot apparently?. The attendants in the lot were NOT HELPFUL at all in instructing us where to go . We made a right turn ( in the direction we were told ) and saw two runners walking on the side of the road . We stopped to ask them where drop off was and they said they had no idea . Their tAxi has dropped them in the cast parking lot too and now they were trying to find the right parking lot . They asked for a ride and I said sure so they jumped in the Uber and we tried to navigate to the next Epcot lot . We turned into a  Traffic mess as we neared the next closest Epcot lot. Traffic was at a stand still and gps said we were over 3 miles from the runner drop off.  We sat there not moving much at all for at least 45 minutes. We started seeing runners get out of their cars , buses , etc and start jogging along side of the road . It was close to 4;20 and we were stressed . We finally decide to hop out and jog .  I was carrying my plastic gear bag and more stuff than I liked . The other guy in the Uber was running his first marathon and laughed that people warned him to star.mt the race slow and conserve energy - the opposite of what he was doing then . It made me nervous running so close to the buses and traffic but we really had no choice - there was no side walk . I immediately realized that it’s probably very beneficial and encourage to stay at the Disney resorts - but afterwards I heard the shuttles got stuck in the traffic as well.  Apparently the only way to have avoided the traffic was to get there at 2 AM !

So after a brisk walk jog of about 3 miles we finally made it to the runners entrance. I made my way quickly as I could To the gear check area and tried to check my pockets and make sure I had everything I needed. I have to say I was pretty frustrated and frantic at this point because it was about 10 minutes until 5 AM which was supposed to be race start time. There were a lot of Porta potty‘s so I went to the bathroom as quickly as I could which was my main concern before starting the race. I always take Imodium before I run to make sure I don’t have to poop during the race! 

The runners corrals were also a pretty far distance from the entrance area. The corrals were jampacked but I was able to find corral b fairly easily.  

Once in the corral I tried to stretch and get my legs as ready as possible.  

There was a stage with Mickey and other characters announcing the race and fireworks which was pretty nice.   They set off corral a first. And then soon after it was time for corral b. I have to honestly say that I literally felt tired mentally and physically before the race even started. Luckily I had had a cup of coffee at the hotel when I woke up and then I was also using the caffeinated tailwind in my water bottle that I was caring with me. I also mixed up another batch of caffeinated tailwind in the small bottle that I was caring in my belt. 

So between the nerves, caffeine, and atmosphere I felt energized and anxious to go. My last marathon in December I felt like I was being too conservative at the start of the race and thought that I could keep a good 830 pace  to begin with. My 1st mile ended up being around nine minutes not because I was holding back but because it was so crowded that I couldn’t manage to run any faster than the pace of the crowd around me.  It did open up a bit after the 1st mile and I was able to quick in my pace.   

It also took me a while to get used to my belt jiggling around. Besides the large water bottle that I was carrying in my hand full of tailwind I also had another bottle in my belt with about four isotonic gel’s a Ziploc baggie of Advil Imodium and m&ms . I was also carrying $20 in cash and my credit card for after the race and some Chapstick. I was worried about feeling laden down but I kind of got used to it after the 2nd mile And I ended up drinking my tail wind and tossing the big bottle after mile three. 

There were lots of character stops during the first several miles but if there was a line I didn’t even consider stopping.  The only two I stopped for were the Incredibles and for my favorite ride the haunted mansion. Looking back I kind of wish I didn’t even stop for those.... 😬.   I also had to stop to tie my shoe ! 😬  

It was dark, cool and we had a glorious full moon. I really liked running through Epcot - which was a lot of fun! We ran past Mexico and there were a bunch of mariachi musicians playing music . I always try to find SOMEONE dressed as Elvis - but didn’t this race . I did however pass a guy dressed as Elton John “rocket man .” I ran behind a girl wearing a blue shirt that had one of my favorite verses from the Bible : Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

Overall I was feeling really good . I started listening to my Chi running book on audible so that I can focus on running efficiently and relaxed. 

Around mile 10 we Made our way into Magic Kingdom.  This  was by far one of my favorite parts of the race - getting to run down the main street to see the castle all lit up was a glorious and invigorating sight. 

It wasn’t until about mile 14 when we were getting close  that I started to feel pretty rough. I started to get a side cramp which happened to me in my last marathon around mile 18. It didn’t help that the route took us behind the water reclamation factory which by that time it was sunny , hot , and extremely smelly. I have to say that it contributed to the feeling of nausea that I was starting to have. I took to Advil At this point Because my hamstring was starting to hurt a little. I was sipping the concentrated tailwind but I was feeling a little dehydrated . I tried to grab water at almost every stop I could .   It was hard to keep my pace below nine minutes at this point- and that was a little disheartening knowing that I was only a little over halfway through .  I managed to keep running at a slower pace and fight off the side cramps.   Animal kingdom was a rough patch for me . I dumped the tailwind and filled my bottle with just water . 

By about mile 20 we got to blizzard beach. Mile 21 I had dedicated to my oldest daughter and I tried my best to focus on her . Running through blizzard beach was pretty fun the people in the park were extremely nice and energetic. There were lots of Narrow running Waze and turns that I didn’t really like But I tried to just focus on keeping my feet moving. 

I finally made my way out of blizzard beach and back onto the road. Mile 22 was dedicated to my dad who was an ultra marathoner and really instilled in me and my love of running. I thought of him in heaven and of good memories of him and it helps lighten my spirit.  Mile 23 I dedicated to David Goggins and tried to listen to part of one of his podcasts on Spotify. I think that definitely helped me as well as there were moments where I had thoughts of “ this really sucks ! Why am I doing this to myself “ . Every first aid station that I crossed I grabbed a handful of bio freeze and slathered it on my right hamstring. 

Finally we got closer to Hollywood studios and Epcot . This was another of my favorite parts of the race as there were lots of people lined up in the parks in spectators with Signs . Around mile 24 , I saw a spectator sign that brought me to tears. It was a poster that said go Emerson ( my youngest daughters name ) and USE THE FORCE!   I wanted to stop and take a picture of it but by that point I felt like if I stopped, I would not be able to start again!

I practiced deep breathing, counting and leaning forward to propel me.  I would say from miles 14-20 were pretty miserable . But  I surprised myself  around mile 23 at how strong I was feeling that I could keep a faster (ish) pace along the boardwalk. I was looking at my watch and realized that if I kept going and could keep up my pace I could still manage to finish in under 4 hours.   A guy in front of me stopped and threw up.....That was kinda hard to watch since my body almost felt the same.  Running through Epcot was awesome because you get to run through the world showcase and it was lined with spectators cheering you on- the finish however was a little disappointing.  It routed us around and outside area where there was nothing to look at and hardly any people.  I started counting to 30 just to get me through to the finish.    Running through the finish line felt incredible of course .  I got my medal and hobbled over to the first aide area where they would strap a bag of ice anywhere on your body that hurt- If only there was such a thing as a full body strap! I settled for a bag around my right hamstring and I took a bag of ice to eat - there was nothing that sounds better at that moment than the crisp , cold crunch of ice on my tongue !! 

  I got water and kept hobbling to the runners reception area.  It definitely hurt to walk and I considered taking my shoes off but I was worried I might be able to get them back on.  I was wearing my Hoka carbon X s and they were so muddy/dirty from the race and running through the grass to get to the starting line that morning.
Part of me wanted to hang out, have a beer and enjoy the post race festivities but I had an such overwhelming desire to hug and kiss my kiddos that i decided to just pick up my bag that i had checked and find a way to our hotel.  Not having anyone  at the finish was a little bit of a bummer . And we hadn’t planned on visiting the parks after because it was Sunday and we had to make the 6 hour drive home .

My first impressions of the race were just negative - I think mostly because of my own shortcomings and disappointment with my performance. If I ever run again I will :
Stay at one of the resorts
Run with / bring a friend
Get tickets to Epcot for after ( if I can walk )

The shower/bath at the hotel was GLORIOUS ! While I didn’t get any full blown injuries , upon undressing I saw that I had TERRIBLE sports bra rash - my underboob was raw and had starting bleeding - luckily I didn’t feel it until the shower water hit it .OUCH . Not sure how that can be prevented though because I know I put chamois butter on the ‘girls’ before the race .  My third toenail on the left foot was bruised badly and it felt like the nail was dislodged . This also didn’t hurt that bad until I got my shoe off ( or I guess when the Advil wore off ) . Overall my body just hurt all over . My abs were even super sore - my neck , back . Legs too of course . Once we were on the way home - every time we stopped it was PAINFUL to even step out of the car .
It’s better today thank goodness . I even went for a slow 1.5 jog after walking the dog ! 

PRO’s of the race : 

Nice medal 

Good shirt 

Fun and abundant entertainment 

Good first aid stations ( stocked with bio freeze , Vaseline  and Tylenol )

Ice / first aid for after race 

Lots of participants// costumes 

Lots of volunteers/ stations 

Expo

Cons: 

Start time / traffic 

Food at the end :(
No free beer 

Course changes / inconsistency 

Expensive $$$$

Friday Journal

Today was a windy,  rainy but pretty good day .

I didn’t run at all yesterday so that I could ‘recover ‘ from my 13 mile run the day before . My left calf was still pretty sore today - I think from the insoles I was wearing . They really felt good to wear for correcting my running form but I must have been landing my foot in a way that strained my calf muscle .
I also did tracks 4-7 in body pump 112. I’m trying to squeeze that in 3 times a week.
After showering and putting em down for her 3rd nap at 3- I listened to the ten percent happier podcast and the episode was about meditation .

I did a 15 minute vipanassa meditation and I’m trying to do that for 30 days to create a new habit of it ! It was really awesome . I sat down , legs crossed on out bedroom floor with my back against the wall . As you breathe in and out , you name the sensations that occur and then release them from your mind . Masons face vividly came to mind . He was smiling shyly , the way he often does .  I noticed all the sensations of the real pain my body was experiencing as I thought of him . My thought tightened and burned - it took almost the rest of the 15 minutes before this uncomfortable sensation was gone . Tears filled my eyes and they also burned . I was sad of course but also happy that I could still vividly see his face in my mind .
Yesterday was a difficult day as well . I just miss him so terribly and I hate time and life moving on without him here . New year , new decade: exciting  - but without mason in it , it just is bittersweet .
I made the kids corn and Mac and cheese for dinner . Jamey got us sushi . Em stayed up until 9:30! Maybe she’ll stay asleep longer tonight !!

New Years Day 2020

Today was a really good day AND a great start to the New Year.   Especially considering last night - New Year's Eve did not end with a romantic midnight kiss.  We took the kids to the Pier Park beach ball drop that they have at 8:00 pm.  We were starving after that so we went to find somewhere to eat.  Initially Jamey went to Beef O Bradys and I raised a stink because of how dead it looked and MEDIOCRE the food.  So we ended up going to a restaurant called Bayou on the Beach.  It was good but it is was late and we were all very tired.  My husband wasn't in the best of moods so I put the kids to bed when we got home.

Thankfully This morning was much better.  The weather was GORGEOUS- sunny but a little chilly with a temp around 55-60 degrees.

We slept in until around 8 am.  After coffee of course, I grabbed my new Clever Fox Planner and started planning out my New Year Goals!  Goal setting is such an exciting adventure.  It opens up so many possibilities and potential.
https://www.amazon.com/Clever-Fox-Planner-Organizer-Productivity/dp/B079GXFR7S

I started with Gratitude, Passions, daily habits and started a little of a vision board for moving my mom down to Florida.

These tasks can seriously take a lot of thought and time so I knew I would not be able to finish filling out the first parts of the journal in one setting.

After coffee, Emerson and I went to walk Mitsu, our shiba inu.  Rudy rode his bike with us.  She is part of my new years goals - I really want to try to train her to be more obedient.  She is aggressive and stubborn and I do not feel comfortable with her around Emerson.  I am starting to carrying treats with me on our walks so I can reinforce her habits.  We are working on stay, sit and 'leave alone.'  She is especially aggressive around food.  I am also going to order those clicker things to help.

Me all dressed up for our New Years Eve walk

When we got back, I vacuumed and mopped.  Jamey and I keep having issues regarding his feeling that I could be helping more.  I know I can do more- but honestly it is very difficult getting things done while watching/ caring for a curious 1 year old.  Emerson is VERY mobile and VERY curious.  We have gotten the condo pretty baby proofed but there are always things that could be potentially harmful or dangerous so I have to be constantly vigilant.  We have the stairs blocked with a gate that Jamey secured and screwed into the wall.  We have the cleaning chemical cabinet locked with a baby lock but she still gets under our kitchen table and tries to pull the Alexa and charging cords out of the wall.

After cleaning up and sneaking a peak at the super slick water on the Lagoon from our deck, I decided it was high time to check on the 3 crab traps that I had attempted to put out a week ago, during a windy rainy night.  I barely was able to get them out far enough to cover the water level.  One trap had 7 crabs and the the other only had 2.  i put more chicken in the others and pushed them out farther and deeper.

Emerson finally lay down for a nap around 12:30 pm  She is still nursing even though I WISH she would self wean.

Then I put on my Brooks ghost 11 and put in a pair of insoles that i had ordered a while back when I started having problems with my IT band and hamstring.  I didn;t wear them running because they were so firm and uncomfortable that they kind of hurt my feet and I figured they would just be good to wear for walking.

However- today THEY FELT GREAT!  I am really trying to correct my supination and try not to heel strike.  I was planning on trying to run 7 miles but my legs and feet felt so good that I ended up running 13 miles !!!
I downloaded a pdf marathon training plan from a book I listened to on audible and highly recommend called The New Rules of Running.  It suggest a 10 day marathon training plan instead of a 7.  I loosely follow training plans- or at least I try to follow them as closely as I can. Here is the advanced plan I am going to try to refer to :

I did start to have some aching in my calves and they are still sore but I was happy to get in so many miles before the Run Disney marathon on January 12!  I listened to some podcasts, (RunningRogue) and some music on Spotify.  One song came on- the Taste of Ink and it made me think of my son Mason :( .  I cried and thought of him and my dad.  I looked at the sky and it made me feel better to think that they were up in heaven together.  Losing Mason will never seem real to me.  It just doesn't make sense.  It has taught me how temporary and fragile life is.  When you are young, 15-25, it seems like you are so invincible/untouchable.  I will be turning 40 this year and I think that if I hadn't lost Mason I would be terrified of growing old and facing my mortality.  Honestly, I am not afraid.  I still want to make the most of every single day and every single moment so I can leave a legacy to live on after I am gone but the thought of being reunited with my oldest son makes me happy and I welcome it.  My faith in God, heaven and being with him again are all that keep me going.

In fact, when I was trying to sit down and intentionally think of what my motivation for the running the marathon is- I came up with the fact that running makes me feel most alive and happy.  That is my motivation and I try to remind myself of that when the miles are getting hard and I want to stop.

We ended the first day of 2020 with a delicious New Years good luck meal of collard green, black eyed peas and ribeye steak.  Hubs is an amazing cook so it turned out great!

A look back at 2019- Weight loss, goals, nursing and more!

This new year has really crept up on me and I can’t believe that it will be the year 2020 soon!  2019 Was a year of great transformation and really seemed to fly by.
My youngest daughter, my baby girl Emerson, turned a year old in December which was the biggest Event of the year . Babies grow and change so much in the first year- especially this pretty girl ! She started walking at 11 months and will probably be talking in full sentences soon!

As for my health goals when I look back at my journal and what I wrote I can say that I am really proud of myself for accomplishing most of my goals. I have been able to lose all of my baby weight which was very difficult at first. I wrote a post about finding out about my hypothyroidism which I think really enabled me to be successful. But going on weight watchers helped as well.
I decided not to renew my weight watchers app subscription this month and it is really difficult to make sure that I’m eating the right things and not going overboard. I might have to do some budgeting with my husband to see if we can fit it in Because it really is so helpful. I even re-downloaded my fitness pal which tracks your calories but just doesn’t seem as easy as the weight watchers app.

Now that I feel like I’ve gotten my fitness and my body back I am really hoping to qualify again for the Boston Marathon- I will have to try for the 2021 race because you already have to qualify for the 2020. But I am super excited about getting to run the Disney Marathon on January 12!! My training hasn’t been as consistent as it should be because it’s hard to be away from my little one so long to fit in the long runs But I am going to give it my all and do my best And also just try to have fun and enjoy it!

Another goal that I’m very proud of is making it to the one year mark with nursing! I’ve done such a good job breast-feeding and fact that I can’t get my little one to stop!  She is addicted to the boob ! Lol . I’ve been so blessed to be able to stay home with her so it made nursing so easy but now I’m ready to permanently detach her , she doesn’t seem to like cows or almond milk much at all . The nursing itself is a comforting thing for her so she wants to nurse to sleep or when she needs it - since she won’t take a pacifier or suck her thumb . :/  so we are continuing to nurse but I am really trying to offer milk and lots of food during the day and cutting down on as many feedings as possible . I’m so thankful again that we have made it this far and attribute the fact that she hasn’t really been sick or gotten any ear infections in her life to breastfeeding and also not being in day care of course but mama is ready to get some independence back ! And maybe Even head back to teaching next school year .

I just ordered a new planner for the new year and can’t wait for it to get here . Since learning about goal setting and the law of attraction about 3 years ago , I feel like it has been the driving force behind all my major recent  accomplishments.  This is the planner I ordered and used the similar one before . https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DCS8Y2B/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1When it gets here I will go through some GTD M.I.N.D dump exercises and also some goal setting visualizations . Id really like to make some vision boards too  - particularly for the house I want us to buy !  One of my biggest goals for the new year is SELLING OUR CONDO, finding a bigger house with an in law suite AND MOVING my mom down to FLorida from Maryland!  It has been so difficult living in a city with no friends or family. Since losing my son Mason in October 2018, I have wanted nothing but to be closer to my family.  It really is all I can focus on (besides running and my little ones) and I feel like my life is on hold until I can at least get my mom closer.  She is ready to move- as soon as we sell our condo.

In the mean time - I wanted to share a great recipe for healthy snack I’ve been making since starting weight watchers and losing all my baby weight . I am literally a candy addict - but a crazy one because I don’t crave chocolate- I crave fruity / sour junk !  I could sit down and literally eat an entire box of fruit roll ups in one sitting.  Using the weight watchers app I was able to come up with a healthy version THAT I AM ADDICTED TO!
Most days I will make my Healthy Fruit Leather in the morning and eat nothing but that until around 3 pm when I have a low carb turkey wrap and then will usually splurge on dinner (as far as calories).  I know that dinner shouldn't be your splurge meal but my hubs is picky about the meals we eat together and prefers TASTE over health benefit.  So basically- he is NOT into eating a lot of healthy dinners - especially if he is cooking.  It is bound to be delicious BUT SUPER FATTENING!  LOL
So here is the amazing Fruit Leather recipe that I LOVE!
Ingedients:

Unsweetened Applesauce
Fresh fruit ( Blueberries, strawberries, grapes) one or all three!  I take the softer ones and throw them in and honestly it saves me from wasting fruit because I only like to eat the fresh 'hard' crunchy ones.
Parchment paper

THAT'S IT!

Steps:
Preheat oven to convect 200 degress
I cover two cookie sheets with parchment paper (or your LEATHER WILL STICK!)
Then I take half the LARGE jar of unsweetened applesauce and throw it in my food processor.
I put in about half of a container of fresh blueberries (THIS IS A SUPER FOOD!)  I use the squishy, over ripe ones.

Then I blend away until the berries are smooth

Then I pour the mixure evenly onto the two cookie sheets and move the sheet around until the mixture is an even thin layer across the cookie sheets. 

Then you pop those babies in the oven for at least 2 hours- sometimes more depending on the thickness.  I check the edges to see if it is ready- it will easily peel off the paper.

AND I can literally eat two cookie sheets full in 2 minutes time! LOL if not I put the remainder in ziploc bags! 
YUM!
Sweet tooth craving BLASTED!