I have been dreading this day because I know it will open the huge gaping wound in my heart. Last year I was able to distract myself from the pain by flying up to Kentucky to spend Mason's birthday with my daughter and brother. It really helped and was even a happy memory for me. We had our sweatshirts printed with Mason's picture. And we had food and cake at my brother's house. This year I wanted to fly my daughter down here to Florida but because of the COVID virus and fear of flying, we just couldnt make it happen. So today I am just feeling the fresh pain and left feeling like I don't know what to do.
I actually woke up at 3:00 am with stomach pains and had trouble sleeping. I am not sure if I had any dreams because I do not remember them well.
I had planned on trying to arrange a visit with a psychic today- since it is one thing I have not tried since he passed. There is a local psychic but everytime I call I get a busy signal. I may try to drive by there after I walk the dog, go for a run and Em , my youngest, takes a nap.
Even though it has been two years since I lost my son, it is not any easier facing the reality of it. In fact, it is getting harder and harder to deny that he is gone. My denial is my primary coping mechanism. But now with all the craziness that is going on in the world with the pandemic and the racial violence and tragedies, it has been a trigger for the grief and anguish that I try to push as far away as possible so I can function as a mother, wife and living person. When I watch the George Floyd video, of the police officer kneeling on his neck until he suffocated and died, I was overcome with anger and grief all over again. I immediately thought of Mason and still do everytime I hear or see the words "I can't breathe.' George Floyd also called for his 'mama' and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to hear. There is no video showing what my son went through when he took his last breath. I will never know if he called out for me, or struggled to try to save himself or if he suffered. Or if he prayed for someone to save him. The thoughts are unbearable and even typing them makes me want to throw up and scream and cry. I feel guilty for comparing the two tragedies. There is no comparison because George Floyd did not have a choice. He had his life taken. And even though I do not think my son intended to kill himself, he made a choice and that choice robbed him of his life. I only say that this violence has been a horrible trigger. And I think it has triggered a lot of people. I think everyone is in mourning over the precious loss of life that our country has witnessed. My hope and my prayer is that people can wake up every morning and make a promise. The promise we all need to make is to do no harm- no harm to ourselves and no harm to others. If we can vow to do that in morning and then remember it throughout the day when we are faced with a choice. Use that promise to decide how to act. If you are going to post something- ask will is possibly harm someone? If the answer is yes- then do not do it. It has changed my life is so many ways- I don't do the insensitive things I used to regret when I remember that promise. If we can all remember that promise, we can change the world.
https://youtu.be/XI8pTns_Zwo
