It is days like today that I just really struggle to stay strong. It's a typical summer Thursday. We got up, I made Rudy breakfast (mickey mouse waffles) I also tried making some keto crackers and cookies (they turned out okay). Then after I cleaned up a bit, I put Emerson in the stroller and took our dog Mitsu out for her usual morning walk. But heading out I thought I'd check Pokemon go and see if there were any cool pokemon around while we walked. I caught a walimar and one other typical pokemon. Then I decided to check my pokedeck and get rid of excess pokemon and see if I had any eggs hatching- just usual pokemon game maintenance. But that's when the thought struck me that I could send Mason a gift to his pokemon avatar for his birthday. I remember when we laughed about him adding me as a friend. He would not let me friend him on any social media- except Facebook which he never used or updated anyway. Don't get me started on how Facebook likes to rip my heart out at least once or twice a month with a Mason facebook memory. It will literally turn my day upside down. I don't want to say 'ruin my day' because thoughts of my son are bittersweet. Yes- they make me instantly miss him- I know the sharp burn of my tears welling up and the sick pit in my stomach all too well. But it is still a punch to the gut every time that knocks the wind out of me. Then I go through a little 'mini stages of grief' that starts with disbelief, sadness, guilt, and then anger all over again. But then I am left feeling a weird sense of contentment- content that in that moment, Mason's memory could still be with me, even though he physically couldn't.
So that's why I will keep playing Pokemon go - even though it hurts and reminds me of him. I look at his avatar and I am filled with love for my son. I look at the Eevee buddy he picked and think "Of course he chose Eevee- they are adorbable!" I notice he is team Valor- just like his mom. I made fun of and gave him a hard time about his 'upinsmoke' name- as I knew it was a reference to weed. Then I look at his level and I want to scream and cry- he was almost level 12. He will never get to be a level 12. It also wouldnt let me send him another gift for his birthday until the other gift I sent him is opened. He will never be able to open that gift and I want to scream. It's not fair!!!! I can't battle with him, trade pokemon or do anything else. But just having him as my friend. Now I am walking my dog along the sidewalk crying my eyes out and feeling like I want to throw up.
Then that of course I think of his last birthday present when he came down for his 17th birthday. I got him a new pair of white vans. Somehow, while we were out they got dirty and I remember how upset he was and tried so hard to clean them. I wish I could go back and just buy him a new pair. At the time I didnt because I thought it a huge waste of money. If I could go back- I would. I would change that and so many things. But I never will be able to .
All I can do is remember what counts now. I can try to savor each moment as much as I can with my three other babies. I can try to focus on the love and the happiness with them. I can hold them and be close to them because now I know my time with them is limited. And those moments are precious.
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