Tough Tuesday

I never know what or when the grief and the hard ache is going to make it self present. It really could be anything. This past Sunday was Easter- The day we celebrate Jesus rising from his grave.  I fantasize a lot about Mason being able to do that . I am sure every person that has lost a love one thinks about and wishes to have that person back again .  I feel guilty and sometimes sacrilegious when I do so instead I try to find  ways that I can at least  communicate with him.  I’ve read that dreams are away or a form of communication with lost love ones. In my dreams about Mason I’m always trying to  find him - Or they are upsetting.
This June he would have turned 18- my baby would be officially a man. On his last birthday he flew down to Florida and we got to spend his birthday is going to the beach eating his favorite food and just laughing and having fun. This year I plan on flying up to Kentucky. My mom will also be flying in so that we can spend Mason’s birthday with my daughter and my brother.   I’m trying to plan some sort of celebration of him .  I know for sure that I want to plant a tree or a few different trees for him . I want to have a tree at my house planted in his honor so that I can spread some of his ashes.  One of the hardest things is watching days and holidays pass without him- by having a ‘ mason tree’ - I’ll have something tangible that I can look at and watch grow. Since we live in Florida I am thinking about planting some sort of citrus or fruit tree.
This morning while  folding laundry I was struck with my memories of Mason because of a show that they were talking about on Kelly and Ryan .  Uma Thurman was their guest and she was starring in a show on Netflix called Chambers about two parents who lost their daughter and the daughters heart was donated to another person the premise is that that other person was taking on traits of their daughter.

 it immediately made me think about the person that has Mason‘s heart and how I’d like to know more about them and maybe even get to meet them someday . Once I start thinking about him it’s just spirals and compounds and gets worse and worse until I find myself hysterically crying in my room clutching a small glass container that holds his lock of hair. I took his hair out and hold in my hand and took a deep strong breath in order to smell him .  And I could smell him . But then I started panicking that the containers not air tight and I might lose his smell . So here I am at 11:15 am on a Tuesday afternoon broken not really wanting to eat or do much of anything. But I have to and the first step is probably to follow up with grief counseling which I will try to do today.