Journaling and CBT

Today has been a pretty busy day. I have had a slight lingering headache all day that is having me consider taking some tylenol as I type this. or maybe a glass of wine?!

. The day started as usual, getting up at around 6:50 am and waking up Rudy.  Jamey had a cold yesterday/last night so between Emerson waking up to nurse, I also woke up from Jamey's tossing and turning, stealing the covers and asking for water.  So when I woke up, I was still feeling pretty tired.  Actually, my first alarm goes off at 5:30am.  This was when I used to take my morning run but now all I have the energy to do is get up, take my pill and collapse back in bed.  Its a luxurious feeling but one that I also regret because it is so  much cooler in the morning for running and I get it out of the way.

This morning I had to jump in the shower because I never showered yesterday- even after running 5 miles so you can imagine the body odor I was dealing with!  Rudy was in a great mood and helped occupy Eme while i showered and dressed.  He also got himself dressed and made his lunch.  I am so proud of how self sufficient he is.  We are still working on a few things like cleaning up after himself putting dirty clothes away and his shoes, socks and hat when taking them off.  But besides that he is really great!

I made my labcorp appointment for 10:15 am for my bloodwork to be taken yesterday because it was the earliest they had and since I had to fast for it, I preferred it to be earlier.  After I dropped Rudy off at 8:00 am, I had to kill some time in Panama city since lab corps is closer to his school than our house so Em and I went to Target.  I found her a cute onesie, a red bathing suit for the cruise and some bibs.   I had about 4 swim suits to try on and took this picture of the first one.  I look at this and think I look terrible!  Despite losing about 8 pounds, I still feel like my hips/stomach are in need of slimming/toning.  I can't tell if the weight loss is due to starting the thyroid medication or from the weight watchers app - because I started them both around the same time.

 Emerson is teething still - her top left tooth is almost through but she is constantly drooling and eating food pretty regularly.  She also has a runny nose and little bit of a cough which I think might be from Jamey.

She fell asleep in the car on the way to lab corps and slept through my blood work appointment.   They only had to take one vial of blood and were only testing for the thyroid levels- specifically the T4 hormone.  My follow up appointment is next Tuesday and I will be interested to find out how the medication has been working.  My daughter Madison, has been pursuing a diagnosis and going through thyroid testing as well.  She called me on Sunday while we were in Crawfordville looking at houses, and told me that they had diagnosed her with hashimoto's disease and told her that it would have to be treated with diet only.  I am going to talk to my doctor about that as well because I read that hashimoto's causes most cases of hypothyroidism and should be treated with hormone replacement ( the same medication I take)

After the blood work, we drove straight to my counseling appointment.  It went okay.  She suggested that my 'homework' be to write Mason a letter.  I don't know why I didn't tell her that I already had.  I felt a little frustrated like I was looking for a more structured therapy approach.  She also recommended that I find 15 minutes in the morning to do a 'check in' on how I am feeling.  Like meditating.  I told her that meditating made me think of Mason and it would get upsetting for me.  She also recommended the Calm app- which I have used before. Emerson was getting a little fussy and antsy so we basically cut the appointment short and set another one for after our cruise.

After my appointment, I went to Dunkin Donuts and got Rudy a spider donut and his teacher and I an iced coffee.

 I also called a place called the Angel House and tried to get some info on group therapy for grief counseling.  I was thinking maybe attending a group session with other people who had lost loved ones would fast track my attempt to heal.

I have mixed feelings about today being October 1st.  I have gone over and over the month in my mind.  I always think back to what I was doing, feeling and thinking in the days before Mason died.  I try to look for clues of anything that would have alerted me to the dangers he was facing.  I always come up short- obviously this is my way of 'bargaining'- one of the steps in the grieving process.  I can't bargain my way to getting Mason back.  Nothing will bring him back and sometimes just thinking that crushes me and makes me want to give up..

So when we got home, I walked Mitsu and Emerson fell asleep in the jogging stroller.  Since it was in the 90s and so hot, I took her to the clubhouse and ran 4 miles on the treadmill.  She is such a sweet angel.  I love her SO much!  While i ran I watched some videos on CBT.  I have read a lot about cognitive behavioral therapy and I really think that they strategies could help me cope with a lot of the things I am going through.  I want to be more positive, optimistic and patient.  These videos have some great techniques for dealing with anxiety and challenging unhealthy thoughts.


STRATEGIES for dealing with anxiety/depression:
1.  EXERCISE
2. PACED BREATHING
3. PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION (massage)
4. CONNECT WITH OTHER PEOPLE
5. MEDICATION (CBD?)

So those are my highlights from the Day.  This entry is actually part of the therapy.  It is my journal- and I hopefully be able to use it to look at patterns/thoughts/beliefs.  

In this video - it recommends to journal nightly.  That way you can recognize your thought patterns and your Cognitive distortions.