It is Sunday night. I just finished getting Rudy out of the bath and getting him ready for bed. He's pretty self sufficient with bathing and brushing his teeth but he still likes me to lay with him and read/ sit with him until he falls asleep. Tonight he read Plants VS zombies while I checked email and tried to prepare to go back to work after Thanksgiving break.
This Thanksgiving was a rough one. The thought of celebrating anything just feels empty and pointless. Every day, week, holiday, event that passes since we lost Mason feels so wrong. How can life and the world continue, when such a an important piece is missing? I wonder what Mason would have done for Thanksgiving. He would still be living in Kentucky with his dad, so I would try to call him and get his Dad to send me pictures. Last year, we had planned a big family Thanksgiving cruise to Puerto Rico for Mason, Madison, Rudy, Jamey and I. We just couldn't convince Madison and Mason to go- it was a week long cruise and both of them decided not to go. How could they turn down a cruise!? I was upset but I knew Madison would have trouble getting off of work and we didn't want Mason to miss school. So I relented. And Jamey, Rudy and I went. The year before that, we were in Mexico on Thanksgiving. So this is the first Thanksgiving that my husband and I were actually home. Since we were staying home, and it was just going to be him, Rudy and I, we decided not to go out and buy a bunch of thanksgiving food to cook. I agreed because it sounded like a pain and Rudy doesn't really even like any Thanksgiving foods.
I kind of wish that we had decided to cook though because when Thursday rolled around and there was nothing to do except watch the Macy's day Thanksgiving parade and the National dog show, I felt antsy and unsettled. Missing Mason and grieving is so much worse when there is nothing to keep me busy. When I am working or doing something all day or have a schedule/agenda to follow, I can manage to make it through the day without falling apart. But with nothing to do on Thanksgiving, everything being closed and not even being able to get/ set up our Christmas tree, I was consumed with feeling sad, lost, lonely and regretful.
We ended up going to have an early Thanksgiving dinner/lunch at a local restaurant called Patches. We sat outside and it had been cloudy and overcast all day. Just when we finished eating the sun started to peek out a little bit and I mentioned that we should go check out the beach but we just headed home instead.
We did get to set up our tree and overall got a lot done during the Thanksgiving week. I started AND finished a portrait of Mason that I had been planning on doing on canvas. It is an oil painting and we are going to hang it in the hallway upstairs with another painting I have of Rudy and one of Madison. It took most of the day today and Overall I am very happy with how it turned out. I am thankful that art and painting are an outlet for me. I am thankful for my husband and son- my home and my health. Despite being miserably heartbroken, I still try to find things that I can be grateful for every day. Because even when we might feel like we have lost everything, there could be people out there that are suffering much worse. I try to remember that when I feel a sense of hopelessness over losing Mason or when I think "Why bother living, loving or caring about other people when they can be taken away at any moment?" I have to tell myself that it is worth it. Just to live each day. Love each day. And try not to take each breath for granted.
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