The Memorial and trying to go back to life - with out Mason

The only other memorial service that really stands out in my mind, besides my son's last Tuesday, is my dad's.  It was nearly impossible to gather the courage and strength to meet with the funeral director and hash out details regarding my son when I could hardly accept that he was actually gone.  All in all, I have to say that the funeral home, directors and the service itself was an overall positive one (if that is possible considering the reality and circumstances of it.)

My ex husband chose a funeral home that specialized in cremation and offered reasonable prices.    We were fortunate enough to agree on most of the details, although neither one of us wanted to have to make them.  One of the the decisions I was most torn about was whether I wanted to see my son before the cremation.  I remember the panic of thought of his body- the body I held within my own, being incinerated before I could see, touch, or hold him.  I just wanted that closure and ability to say goodbye.  But after hearing the awful experience his dad and my daughter had, seeing him in the hospital after he passed, laying cold and white on the hospital bed with no pulse or breath, I was scared.  I didn't want to have a terrible image or memory of him.  My dad had been embalmed and had an open casket viewing service before his cremation and I remember thinking how unnatural and odd it felt.  It didn't at all feel like I was saying goodbye to him or that he was in the room at all.  Just like Mason, he soul had passed and with it was all that made him- him.  I did not want to have my son embalmed.  But I struggled with wanting to see him.  In the end, I hope and think I made the right decision.

Fortunately, we were able to request and receive a lock of Mason's hair before the cremation.  That little physical piece of him was enough to help me have something tangible to touch, kiss and hold.  I realized wanting to see him, was just part of me wanting him back.  Seeing him would not do that.  On top of that, by the time I would be able to see him, he would have undergone so much physically. Not only did they have to perform an autopsy but we came to learn that he had signed up to be an organ donor at some point.  He was able to donate his heart and his corneas.  His dad received a medal in his honor from KODA- the Kentucky Organ Donor Association.  Today I found out that the teachers I work with collected over $400 to donate to the association in his honor.  Little things like that- that help honor and highlight his memory are the only parts of my day that bring me peace.

Here is the link to my son's online obituary.  He was an probably still is the youngest person to be listed in the funeral home's online obituary.  I am also posting my Eulogy .  I wrote it partially on the way up to Kentucky and then added to it throughout our time there.  We returned to Florida late on Wednesday night- which was Halloween.  We took Rudy trick or treating at the local mall here and had dinner at BW3's.

 I cried when I saw some teenagers out trick or treating with their friends.  All I could think was how much fun Mason could be having or what him and his friends would be doing if this all didnt happen.  Rudy went back to school and I had to get back to work.  The first day was really hard- I couldn;t focus on anything but I made it through somehow.  I sleep with the small heart shaped urn that contains part of Mason's ashes.  The other urn in downstairs on our display shelf.  The metal heart urn is always cold when I first take it out of its velvet box and place it under the pillow.  In the morning, it is always warm- from my head or my body resting on it.  I miss my baby beyond comprehension.
https://www.newcomerkentuckiana.com/Obituary/164800/Mason-Morgan/Louisville-Kentucky
Here is my eulogy I read at his memorial:

Mason Millard Morgan - beloved son- and piece of my soul.
There are no words to describe the gaping hole in my heart and soul that losing Mason will leave . I don’t want the sun to shine. I want it dark and grey like I feel the world - my world will be with out mason . I want to scream and punch something. I want to rage at whatever the reason that enabled this to happen . I feel sick. I want to throw up and not taste anything ever again if mason cant taste. I don’t want to feel anything if Mason can’t feel . I want to take this away - give him life and have mine taken instead .
But As much anger, confusion , shock, anguish and pain as I and I know we all are in , I need to share what joy and love mason brought into this world .
I was masons age - just a baby myself when I had my first baby, Madison . People say I was strong and resilient for being a teen mom and graduating college . I wasn’t . I was weak but I had them to motivate me and keep me focused. I know if it weren’t for Madison and Mason - I would be here to speak these words . Having them gave my life meaning and purpose . I wasn’t whole without them .
We all wish that somehow Mason could gotten through this rough stage like we all somehow managed to. If I have to accept this, then the only way I will survive Is to cherish every moment of the 17 years I had with him .
Mason is and was a brilliant , strong and a good person . From an early age , he was kind and sensitive towards others . He defended what was right and would not stand for other people to be unkind or unfair. He even signed up to be an organ donor and because of that choice he was able to give his heart to save someone else’s life . My baby’s heart still beats today because he made a choice unbeknownst to us to help someone in need and god willing, his magnanimous heart will continue to beat and love for as long as it can .

Some of the moments I will cherish the most are holding him in my arms for the first time when he was born on Monday, June 4th 2001. My dad was actually in the same hospital when I went into labor. He was in the oncology unit trying to recover from a cancer surgery that would end up taking his life just a few weeks later . Mason was past his due date, so with the worry of that and my dad’s condition, I was a mess. Mason Being late meant complications. When my water broke there was meconium in it , which can cause phenomia and other breathing problems. When I finally was able to make the last push that brought him into this world, the neonatologists whisked him away to a nearby incubator. Things were so tense and scary until they cleared out his breathing passage and we finally heard his first cry . When they placed him in my arms and he looked up at me with his half open little eye (we called it his crazy eye )- I was In love . My dad was so enraged that he wasn’t allowed to see his grandson that he ripped his Ivs out and had to be restrained and stabilized. When he was finally allowed to see Mason , he smothered him in as much love and affection as he could physically muster. My dads passing was the hardest thing I had ever had to cope with in my life, until now . I always felt so fortunate that he was able to hold and love Mason before he passed . It is with faith in God that I know on Friday night, my dad got to open his arms again and hold his grandson in heaven and will be with him and take care of him until I get there to experience that joy and privilege once again .
James and I were so young when We had mason and we went through a lot . Mason had to endure a lot of emotionally difficult things - like divorce , separation and neglect. All things I wish desperately that I could have protected him from. Despite all that, he was always there to help others. His life brought meaning and purpose to those around him . He was and is a role model for his little brothers and I will make sure that his presence is with us always .
It is in fact scientifically true that Mason will live on besides just donating his heart . All my babies will . There is a process called fetal-maternal microchimerism that turns both mother and child into chimeras harboring little pieces of each other. When I was pregnant with mason , his little cells were permanently merged within my blood , brain, and heart . So you see, Mason will physically live on in me and his donor not just his memories - for the rest of my life. Knowing that and my faith that I will be reunited with him are the only things that bring me peace during this excruciatingly painful time .
My hope is that every day I will be able to find a way to allow Mason’s spirit to shine through me by showing others the kindness and love that he would have wanted to share with them . That is all I ever expected or wanted from my children. They don’t have to be doctors or lawyers but I want them to be safe , good and happy . Now I know Mason is.
So don’t hesitate to show and tell the people around you everyday that you love and care for them . Spread that feeling to the world and every time you do , please remember Mason and how happy that makes him . Thank you for being here and for loving my little baby boy .

~ Jamie Phillips - October 31, 2018