It started like any typical Friday. I had been finally getting into the swing of my new job teaching virtual school. My youngest son Rudy had just went back to his school to the Gulf Coast school for Autism for a half day since the hurricane Michael hit Panama City.
It was getting close to dinner time and I remember my husband and trying to decide what we would be having when my cell phone rang. It was my ex-husband and I knew immediately something was wrong. I thought maybe his mom, who had been in a motorcycle accident a few weeks prior, had taken a turn for the worse. But no. It was far worse than I could ever imagine in my nightmare. That is the only way I can describe this entire experience- a horrifying nightmare that I can not and will not be able to ever wake up from.
The last time I got a call like this, it was my mom. Just a few days before Christmas, she called me before we were getting ready to walk out the door to go ice skating 6 years ago. I will never forget the sound of her voice- high pitched screaming panic and terror. "He's Dead! Pop pop is dead!" is what she kept screaming through the phone. My stepdad had shot himself on their porch while my mom was at the grocery store and she had just found him, surrounded by their dogs, laying in a huge pool of his blood.
My ex husband wasn't screaming but he was sobbing and yelling. "Mandy, it's Mason. He's done something . He's hurt himself and its so bad. It's bad." I had already stepped outside in our driveway. It was dark and I felt everything inside my body freeze with anguish, terror and fear. I just kept yelling "No James. NO!" I tried desperately to find out more details in an attempt to hold on to hope that my son would be okay. My ex husband didn't have answers yet because he was speeding to his house in Kentucky where he lives with my oldest son, daughter and his wife and her son. I told him to get there as soon as he could and call me. I hung up and immediately regretted it - because now I had to wait and worry until he called me back. My husband came outside and asked what was wrong but I couldn't even tell him. Something was wrong with mason and I had to do something. I ran inside and upstairs to start packing. All I could think is I HAVE to get to my son. I would drive to Kentucky- but I need to be there. I called James back - no answer. I was hysterically crying at this point. It didn't matter what happened- all that mattered is that my son was hurt. I explained to my husband the best I could what was going on but I hardly knew. I texted my son's ex-girlfriend's mom to see if she had seen or talked to mason or her daughter and knew what was going on. I have never felt so helpless and miserable in my life.
James finally called me back- He was home. But the paramedics had just put Mason in the ambulance. "Its not good Mandy. I saw him - he's not okay." I tried to shake off his words and desparately grasp at the hope that now that the paramedics were there- they could help my son. They were taking him to the hospital. What hospital I asked. Norton hospital in Louisville KY. Good now I know where they are. James and my daughter were driving there. My husband and youngest son and I started packing our things for the drive up there. When I say pack, I mean pick up things randomly and shove them into my suitcase. I couldn't think straight. My mind would not allow me to even take an inventory of what I might need. Then the phone rang again. It was James.
He was sobbing uncontrollably. "Mandy, Mason is gone. Im here at the hospital. He's dead Mandy. He's dead!"
No.
NO! Every nerve in my body ached. I screamed "No!" with every bit of energy I could - trying to make it not real. It CAN'T be ! How!!! Why!? NO!!!
I called my mom. I was beginning to feel sick and dizzy, between screams and sobs, I know I wasn't taking full breaths. I was hoping she could somehow answer my pleas. She was as hysterical as I was. I had to get off the phone with her. Somehow my husband managed to get everything in the car for us. All I could manage to do was crouch in the corner of the bedroom and sob with my head between my knees- rocking back in forth - yelling no between gasps of air. It could not be real. It didn't matter we had to get out of there. I need to hold him. I need to be there.
We left the house at 8:19 pm and starting drive north. My husband was driving - and I just continued sobbing. My youngest son was scared and didn't know what was wrong. We brought his tablet to try to distract him from the horrific emotional state that I was in.
It was dark out and we drove back roads so I couldn't see anything. My mind was racing through the possibilities of what could have happened, how and why. I just did not want to face any of it.
We drove as long as we possibly could but had to get a hotel in Alabama. I was scared to lay down or sleep. I didn't want to wake up and have to face the reality of it all again. I slept holding my youngest son close. I calmed myself as much as I could trying to remember the little innocent baby in my belly- and how my panicked state might be affecting her. It helped me to find the strength to drink water and take deep breaths and slow my heart rate. Her and my youngest helped to keep me sane that night. I do not think I would have survived it without them.
The morning- like every morning I have experienced since losing my son, was excruciating. We woke up early so we could get an early start on the road. My eyes were swollen shut, my throat was raw and my body ached from being held in tense pain for so long. While my husband was loading the car, I laid next to my youngest son who was just waking up and I found the words to tell him why mommy was crying so hard. " Mason died." He asked a few questions I couldn't answer- but his main concern was getting me to stop crying. He just didn't understand.
We drove straight to my ex-husband's house. I had never been there before. In fact, even though I grew up in Louisville, KY, it had been so long since I had been there that I hardly recognized any of it. We parked and walked to the front door. There stood my ex with a woman I hadn't seen before. He son, Bruce with standing next to her, almost in tears. James introduced me and I came to find out that her son had been one of the boys that came to the house on Friday to check on Mason. Him and another boy had to help get Mason down from his closet. The details began to come and it just pushed daggers through my heart. The timeline was being discovered and we were trying to walk through it.
Friday morning as James left for work, he saw Mason's ex girlfriend (I will refer to her as 'C' to protect her identity as a minor), had stayed the night. That bothered James because she hadn't been around for months. Their relationship was deemed by all parties to be 'toxic' and not good for either of them. But there she was. And James did not like it. My son, who should have been in his senior year of high school at Eastern High, was not currently attending school there because of his truancy and failing classes the year before. My ex husband was supposed to be enrolling him in a GED program that would allow him to finish school with at least his GED. My son also was not working and did not have a license. All things that I think were to his detriment.
My ex and my oldest daughter left for work in the morning. His current wife works from home. So she was in their office room on the first floor. Karen had to leave for an orthodontist appointment sometime in the afternoon. After she left, James said his wife, Rachel, called him complaining that mason was upstairs in his room yelling at Karen and raging on his phone. Between then and sometime around 5 or 6, two of Mason's friends came knocking on the door to check on my son. Rachel answered, called upstairs to Mason, heard nothing and told them he must not be there. The boys came back and insisted they check on him. That is when Rachel went upstairs and found my son hanging from his belt in his closet, unconscious. She wasn't able to get him down so she called to the boys for help. They cut the belt got him down and Rachel called 911. EMS walked her through CPR while they had called James and had him on speaker phone. They all took turns trying to give my son CPR until the paramedics arrived as well as James.
Later we would find out that they were never able to get a pulse or revive Mason. I don't know how long he was hanging their before they had found him- but all I see in my mind at night is his face, filled with surprise and fear as the belt cut off his oxygen and him being unable to do anything.
More details would slowly come to the surface.
The last person he spoke to was he current girlfriend,
I will call her E. E was
the one who had called his friends and had them go check on Mason. The police took Mason’s phone so we are not
able to check calls/ texts/ times. We think
that James will get it back but only E knows the passcode (she told us at his
memorial) .
At first I really did not know what to think of her. I have experienced every single emotion from
rage, to confusion to guilt to excruciating pain. So at first I reacted with anger towards her
and his friends and even Rachel. Why did
they take so long to check on him!? I thought.
They could have saved him! I felt
just as much guilt at being so far away.
Since his freshman year of high school living with me down in Florida, I
knew he had a problem. He was missing
school, sneaking out, drinking, doing drugs and taking my car. In a desperate attempt to get his dad to
enforce more oversight and discipline, the decision was made that Mason and
Madison would move up to Kentucky.
But the issues remained and even got worse. It led to him dropping out of high
school. Luckily I was able to get him
and my daughter back down to Florida last June to celebrate his 17th
birthday. Since them moving there, I had
gotten remarried myself to Jamey, moved to a two bedroom condo in Panama City Beach
with my youngest son. Mason, his
girlfriend at the time, C, and my daughter Maddie, stayed in my brother in law’s
condo next door to us. Knowing the
issues I had had with Mason and hoping for a nice and happy trip, I emptied the
refrigerator of all alcohol except a bottle of arbor mist wine that I was sure
a teenage boy would not be interested in.
It was a great trip that I will treasure all my life. We spent time at the beach, went shopping-
Mason picked out a new pair of white canvas vans that he obsessed over keeping
clean. We ate tons of great food and
went shopping and to the movies at Pier Park, a local mall closest to us. The only negative moment was when Mason and C
got into a fight next door one night before they had to fly back to Kentucky. He got so angry and upset that he drank that
bottle of arbor mist and locked himself in the downstairs bathroom. Maddi called me and told me she was worried about
him. So was I . I went directly over and somehow got him to
come out. He was crying and
intoxicated. I hugged him and asked him
to please calm down and try to breathe.
Him and C made up and luckily- went to bed to sleep it all off.
That incident just
confirmed what I already knew- Mason needed help. When they returned to Kentucky and my ex
informed me that Mason would not be able to finish his senior year, I begged James
to get him help. I considered bringing
Mason down- but since we only had two bedrooms I just did not know how to make
it work. So the school year started and
I kept getting updates on the latest fiasco that Mason was involved with. Sometimes he was in trouble for breaking into
James’ liquor cabinet with his friends and taking alcohol. Then it was taking James’ jeep out without
permission. He also was taking things
and pawning them and even tried to take money from his older sister’s
purse. James was angry and fed up. I was worried. I called the substance abuse hotline and sent
James the names and numbers of some treatment centers to take Mason. I wouldn’t hear a thing. Or I would get a text saying- you handle
it.
I should have. I should have
drove straight to Kentucky and forced Mason to come back down here. He needed to detox, get away from his toxic
friends and drugs and get some counseling.
I thought about it every day. I
would text him and James to try to find out updates and not hear anything.
I will never forgive myself for second guessing my intuition. Bottom line is- I knew in my heart he needed
help. I should have stepped up and made
sure he got it.
Instead, I am left with the never ending cycle of guilt, anger, confusion,
frustration and pain. I acknowledge I
need help to deal with this. And by the
grace of God, somehow I will try to survive.
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