I knew Mason was struggling. As much as people, my mom, friends and as much as I even tell myself there is nothing I could have done- because no one knew- my heart can't accept that. I'm his mommy. I promised him I would always be there for him- but when he needed me most, I failed. I am crying writing this, knowing that it is going to rip off the fresh scab that keeps forming and reforming over the gaping wound that is my heart. Every time I allow myself to think about the reality of him being gone, I am sent into a frenzy of anguish. It is not all the time- some days I can even distract myself enough with work or other things or just allow myself to succumb to the denial that my heart and mind so much want to believe- only then can I manage to make it through a day without crying. Saturday was terrible.
I found the little thumb drive that I had sent off for months ago from a company that takes old vhs- and vhc films and digitizes them. I had started watching it back then- but even then I had to stop because of how emotional it made me. This was long before October 26th when my son took his life. But it stirred up emotions of regret and pain that were hard to face. Watching my son and daughter play and live their lives together happily as young children while I was still married and we were an actual family unit was so hard. This was all before they had to suffer through my ex husband and I 's messy divorce and separation. We were no perfect happy family by any means- there was a lot of fighting and in the end I convinced myself that the divorce was better than living with the fighting. Looking back I always wonder if that was true.
Watching those videos along with the pregnancy hormones had me facing some tough facts. I had also started listening to a book about Adult Children of Alcoholics. Of course, being pregnant, I haven't drank in more than 9 months but there is no denying that I am an alcoholic. Some people use the term functioning alcoholic. Both of my parents were alcoholics. This has a huge effect on children's personality, functioning and well being. All the issues and personality conflicts that my children were suffering from were due to that alcoholism AND a combination of divorce and other experiences.
My son was suffering and having trouble with his own addictions. He also had a terrible temper that showed itself in different ways- usually destruction to property like punching holes in walls- but never self harm. Every morning I would worry and think about Mason and try to come up with some way I could help him. The last time he lived with me in Florida was his freshman year. He terrified me then. He got in his first fight- it was in the neighborhood not at school but the police still came to our house. Mason's face was black and blue, covered with blood and swollen. He told me it was over defending some friends but I did not know what to believe. He also had a girlfriend who was a nice girl, but her dad showed up at my door furious that Mason had tried to sneak in his house one night. He told me he was lucky he didn't shoot Mason because he thought he was an intruder. Then if I let him go over his friend's house he would not call or come home for days. One time I was on the phone with the police about to report him missing when he walked through the door looking disheveled and like he hadn't slept and was probably on some kind of drugs. He was so out of control and I just could not get through to him.
That is why the decision was made for him to go live with his dad. This year was supposed to be his senior year but his grades were so bad and he missed so much school the previous year that he would not be able to complete high school. His dad and I discussed that this summer. This was the first time I thought of trying to get him back down with me. But we live in a two bedroom condo and just did not have the room. And honestly I was worried about the type of people and drugs he might get involved with down here.
My ex husband, James, told me that he would get Mason into a GED program but it would be hard because Mason didn't even have his license. James did not trust him to drive or get insurance for him. He also did not have a job. I even helped him get another copy of his social security card while he was down here in June for his 17th birthday but James said that any job would likely drug test him and find marijuana in his system.
So my son stayed home all day. No license. No job. Of course, I thought when James would call me and complain about all the trouble Mason was causing. He was stealing liquor from James' bar. He was pawning and selling things around the house like shoes and PlayStation for drugs. Every call seemed obvious to me- Mason needed help- BAD. I would plead with James to take him somewhere. Get him a counselor. Put him in job corps. ANYTHING. I even called the substance abuse hotline one evening and got the names, numbers and addresses and sent them to James. When we were in Maine in September, James called me frantic from Daytona beach Florida. He had taken Mason on a trip with him down there and allowed him to go stay with some friends. When it was time for him to pick Mason up- his phone was off and he was no where to be found. For a moment, James mentioned he was going to have to leave Mason down there and I would have to go find him. We were all the way up in Maine and I was scared to think where Mason might be or what awful thing could have happened to him. James was somehow able to track him down and ended up bringing him back to Kentucky. I told James- that should be that last straw. Force him into rehab while we still could. But then I heard nothing. Nothing happened. The last message that was on my phone to James before we lost Mason was this " I really wish you would take Mason to an inpatient treatment center. Tell him he is going to get treatment and counseling or has to find a place to live. This whole enabling- letting him not have a job or go to school is just making it worse, I think the counseling and treatment should be first so he has some coping strategies that don't involve drinking or drugs. Then he needs school/job." James said " I mean Im not trying to be an a-hole but find one and set it up and I will ensure he goes. I have a lot going on and Im just tired of him for real. Just counting the days I can get him the hell out of my house. I don't know what happened to him down there but I didnt get the same kid back." That was on October 5th. Then the hurricane hit October 10th. If that hadn't happened- maybe I could have really focused on an action plan for Mason.
That weekly review on October 7th I wrote- was find a treatment center for Mason. Hurricane or not. I should have taken action. I should have been there for my son instead of allowing him to fight his battles alone. And now I will never forgive myself.
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