It is Friday when I started writing this.... Normally I am so happy for Fridays but just thinking that a mere two weeks ago tonight- was the moment I found out I lost my son does not spark any feelings except despair and anguish.This morning, Saturday , I woke up crying because I had a vivid dream about me reliving finding out about Mason and hearing music. It was a song with a chorus something like I won’t be coming home. My husband heard me crying and came and held me until I felt better .
I made it through the day although I felt tired and stressed for most of it even though it’s a Saturday . I had to pick up some groceries from Publix this evening & I took a shortcut that made me think of when Mason was in town for his birthday. I went down the same street that he took on the hover board up to the grocery store with his girlfriend. That Strangely made me think of Pokémon go.
I’m sure it seems silly to me thinking something like that but I still play Pokémon go in the mornings when I run . Mason had sent me a friend request and told me to add him on Pokémon GO months and months ago . Him and one other teacher or my only friends on the app . I reluctantly opened the app and clicked on friends list. I gazed at his profile character with his Pokémon buddy, an Evee sitting on his shoulder. He had made his screen name UpinSmoke. I realized his freshman year that he was smoking marijuana. I was angry and frustrated at his choice- for so many reasons. I protested obviously because he was so young, it leads to other drugs, it is ILLEGAL and could lead him to getting arrested/in a lot of trouble. Now i think out of everything I know he 'tried' and was experimenting with, I easily would rather him just do that. His dad used to joke that Mason was a 'weed' expert and would like to own a marijuana farm in Colorado when he grew up.
I started crying because his Pokemon character is only level 11; so close to being level 12. I could think is that he’ll never get to level 12 now. You can send your friends presents on Pokémon go too so I sent him a gift I got from the Jehovah’s Witness hall that I pass by every morning. I sent it knowing that he’ll never get that gift. Then I thought I would give him anything; my own life if I could if I could just have him back . I cried in our driveway for a while when I got home. I only went in because I had bought Rudy Popsicles and ice cream that were starting to melt.
So I’m going to bed early even though I already took a nap today. I’m still exhausted. Like I said earlier, Friday was a really rough day too. I ended up getting a student named Mason in my virtual art class. He’s a fifth grader with health conditions. His mom thinks it’s Crohn’s disease. After I finished the phone call with his mom I burst into tear. First thinking that another boy named Mason is suffering and then second thinking that at least she still has him alive.
Everyday is a struggle now. I struggle to find normalcy and happiness. It eludes me and fills me with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I know this is not good. I have found some support groups- there is a local one for surviving the loss of a child called the Compassionate Friends - Bay county chapter that I also liked on Facebook and I found the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention- there is a Florida Panhandle group. I have also reached out to our marriage counselor to get a recommendation for a grief counselor. She is checking to see if there is a local one that accepts our insurance and hopefully she will get back to me soon. :(
I hope I can start his painting today. I have a large 24X30 painting of Maddie and Rudy, framed and ready to hang upstairs in our condo. I got a canvas for Mason and want to do an oil painting portrait of him.
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